Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
