Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
