so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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