So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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