Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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