Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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