then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
