did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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