Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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