i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
why do cheetos always look like penises
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
