i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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