made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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