So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Let's get the cat blown out
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
