there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
