i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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