my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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