Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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