I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize