Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
