I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You were trust falling into bushes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
