my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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