he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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