Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
