The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
