K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
