I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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