he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
