I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I need moral support for this bender
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize