Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
