An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
