I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
