apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
