Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
