guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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