I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
