Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
