I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
