am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
