if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
