did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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