my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
