don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I have fence marks all over my body
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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