I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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