I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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