Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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