i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
