Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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