OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
