I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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