News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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