So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
