Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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