My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
