You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
