the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
