he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
