my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Is it penis luge time yet?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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