I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
