My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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