you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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