Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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