Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I would fuck him just for his dog
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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