sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
