When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize