It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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