I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
my penis made a compromise with my morals
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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